OD on Parody?

Back in high school and college, I used to write lots and lots of song parodies. Kind of an unusual way to compensate for the lack of a social life. Maybe they were my anti-drug!

I still mix it up with the tunes and lyrics, but they tend to be memory verse songs and tunes about topics such as the three branches of government.

However, it seems that the music of the bowling alley and the upcoming election inspired me to get back to my roots.

“Pricey Gas” to the “tune” of “London Bridge” by Fergie

I.

In July, I pull up to the pump

When I’m done I feel like a chump

Getting poor while gas tycoons get lump$

It’s almost as disgusting as the song “My Hump”

II.

MSN says it’s coincidence

Nobody has that much gassy influence

OPEC tells us the November price make sense

But can they make change for 9/10 of a cent?

Chorus:

How come when election come around the prices of the gas keep going down?

Those prices prices prices they keep going down

Those prices prices prices they keep going down

[Bridge]
Now the gas starts flowing, but the numbers start slowing

Everyone starts feeling really good

III.

When Bush approval at a record low

With, Iraq, Abramoff, Guantanamo

“W” starts to dance around the poll

You got cheap gas? Up ratings go!

IV.

The incumbents feel real good

Puts them in a civil rights denying mood

But even free gas can’t help a certain dude

GOP knows that Mark Foley’s really screwed

Chorus

[Bridge 2]

Ah dolla dolla dolla…

See all the oil guys you know they keep it right

Bush he love em long time

Cause they support the right

With one headlight

While driving home today, I was pulled over. Nothing like those flashing lights in the rearview mirror to cheer a person up from a long long week. In my 11 years of driving, this was the 4th time I have been stopped by the polizei.

1 While Sara and I were just starting to date, I was driving her car around College Place one night. Coming down 4th Street we were stopped by one of CPs finest. Since I didn’t know Sara’s car very well, I ended up fumbling with the windows for awhile before being able to roll mine down. The officer didn’t look particularly impressed and asked Sara, “Are you teaching him how to drive?” Apparently, I had been going incognito with no headlights along the well-lit streets of College Place. No ticket.

2 Coming back from a Thanksgiving spent in Seaside, Oregon, I was on my cell phone with Sara when a police car whipped around to pursue me. We were having quite a nice conversation, which I had to interrupt with an ever-so-smooth line: “Uh, it looks like I’m getting pulled over.” One of my headlights was out. Apparently, there weren’t cell phone laws then. No ticket.

3 Traveling to visit the in-laws in Spokane, Sara and I were having a spirited conversation. Since I have a hard time multi-tasking, I was not able to converse and keep track of the speedometer. I was probably about 10 miles over the speed limit when I got radar gunned. My technique has always been to act really polite while appearing scared and pathetic. Apparently, it worked. No ticket.

4 Today. Coming home in the rain. Going 5 miles over the speed limit. Headlight out. Ticket.

Fortunately, the ticket won’t cost me anything more than a new headlight. Here in New York, you get a ticket and then have to take yourself down to a local police station to verify that you got your light fixed. Then the ticket is waived. Still, I don’t like the fact that I have to add a disclaimer to my “never got a ticket” schtick.

The weird thing was, when I got home, I jiggled the delinquent light, dropped the hood back down and the headlight popped back on. Maybe my car had pinkeye or something.

Queso with a hint of Onion

On August 24 of this year, the International Astronomical Union announced that Pluto would no longer be part of the “Gang of Nine” known as the planets. It hasn’t taken long for this Jongshell to cause a plethora of ripples across Earth–one of the remaining eight planets.

A lthough this news was a surprise to many, it has been an issue of debate in the astronomical community for quite sometime. And according to Neptune, Pluto’s self-proclaimed “main homeboy,” even Pluto saw the decision coming from nearly 3 billion miles away.

“Pluto is not taking this well,” said Neptune, who answered reporters questions via an online chat session. “He could see the signs though. He used to complain that from the very beginning he wasn’t respected. First, he got named for the god of the Underworld, then Walt Disney chooses his namesake for a cartoon dog, and don’t even get him started on Pluto Nash.”

Neptune isn’t the only one with an opinion on this subject. “Frankly, I thought I’d be the first one to go,” said Uranus. “But I guess astronomy humor would really take a nosedive without me and they just aren’t willing to give that up.” When a reporter made a joke about the Klingons, the gassy giant immediately stopped the press conference.

“I think it’s all a result of planetary downsizing,” said an anonymous planet. “Pretty soon we’ll be outsourcing jobs to the other solar systems that don’t have a minimum wage. After all, the Sun is pretty tight with Wal-Mart.”

Although Pluto’s ouster has clearly affected the other planets, the greatest effects have been felt in the American classroom. “Somebody should have thought of the children,” said Ms. Frizzle of The Magic School Bus. “Ralphie had been working all summer to remember all NINE planets. When I told him that there were now only eight, he felt like John Lennon had been shot. I was really impressed by his knowledge of Beatles’ history.”

“For years I’ve been teaching about ‘My Very Educated Mother Just Swims Under New Pontoons,” said elementary teacher Juan Tanamo. “Now what does my mom swim under? Nothing? Nougat? Napalm? It makes no sense! Plus it lacks any adjectival parallelism!”

Tanamo continued, “And in our society of imitators, the decision from Prague has started a maelstrom. Now others are looking to destroy the foundations of American educational trivia.”

Upon hearing about the IAU’s decision to sack Pluto, the National Lake Association has been looking at Lake Ontario’s worthiness as a Great Lake. “Really, when you look at Ontario it really isn’t that great,” opined Jasper Danner, spokesperson for the NLA. “Good maybe, freezin’ cold like the others sure, but great? Probably more like okay. Too many barnacles.”

Again the angry schoolteachers. “Since Pluto got the shaft, I’ve been hearing about Ontario as well. That would totally destroy the kids knowledge and ruin their HOMES. Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior. Take out Ontario and you have HMES? At best you can rearrange it to SHEM. Everyone knows he wasn’t even Noah’s coolest son! It is obvious that they are trying to make children HOMESless.”

The carnage doesn’t stop there. The rainbow may also get a makeover as indigo may be getting a visit from the mnemonic hatchetman. “Each year I taught my students about their friend ROY G. BIV,” said kindergarten teacher Janet “J-Lo” Lowenstein. “Now ROY will lose the vowel in his last name and sound like he has become a rapper. Next thing you know, kids will be all up on my bling!”

“Not all of us are as broken up about it as Ms. Lowenstein,” said 5-year-old Antarctica Smith. “Most of us thought indigo was pretty redundant when you have blue already. It’s like saying red, orange, yellow, blue, blue, violet. And violet should be purple anyway.”

Since the solar system has been downsized, there has been a public outcry for Pluto–leading some to speculate about the possibility of a comeback.

“I know about setbacks, injustice, and public humiliation so I sympathize with Pluto,” said Martha Stewart. “I think that Pluto will rejoin the planet club to find support and even improved sales of his merchandise at K-Mart. And that’s a good thing.”

Stewart isn’t the only one who thinks that a comeback for Pluto is likely. “After I made Glitter I went crazy for a little bit,” said Mariah Carey through an assistant of an assistant. “People thought my career was dead. Frankly it has shown me that any person/planet can turn it around. Pluto and I have a lot in common because Pluto: A Documentary stunk it up in the box office almost as much as Glitter did.”

Carey went on to make a direct appeal. “Pluto, if you need to talk about reinventing yourself or the name of a good therapist, just call my assistant.”

Others aren’t so sure Pluto will make it back. “I hope that Pluto enjoyed its time as one of the planets,” said Rob Van Winkle–the artist formerly known as Vanilla Ice. “Because I expect that the planet business is much like the rap industry. When you’re done, you’re done.”

“And forget about comebacks,” Van Winkle continued. “Pluto can try comeback albums, reality TV, suing Hot Dog on a Stick to be the first male worker–fame just ain’t happening.”

Back in the classrooms, it’s apparent that the kids want Pluto back. When asked about how it will happen, 4th grader Macy White made this appeal. “There’s only one person with enough influence to bring Pluto back. Oprah, will you help?”

And we were all yellow

This is a fascinating if somewhat disturbing quiz that I discovered. Click on “Enter Exam Room” and then take the first exam on faces.

I scored a 6, and it was actually the second time I took it. I bring dishonor to my family. On the bright side, if all of us Asians look the same then I look just like Daniel Dae Kim of Lost. At the very least, this should make my wife happy.

At the end of a rough week…

..I choose to bust a rhyme(or two).

I.

For a fortune teller is there ever blind dating?

And for a telephone psychic, how about call waiting?

II.

If an alligator tries to sell you a marijuana dose,

Don’t think it’s croc pot…just close

Morning Bender

It was a bad morning to say the least. While driving to work today, I got in an accident. The gigantic Avalanche just had to try and force its way into the middle lane, and when it couldn’t(since there was no room), it hit the brakes hard. Unfortunately, I did not hit my brakes hard enough. So now we have one very crumpled Mazda Protege (Sara’s Mazda Protege) sitting in a shop, waiting to receive thousands of dollars of plastic/metal surgery.

Although it very much feels like it isn’t my fault, it doesn’t appear that the insurance folk will see it that way. Apparently, if you rear-end somebody they blame you like Canada.

Fortunately, I feel perfectly fine. The Protege beautifully crumpled to protect me from the chiropractor. The other driver seemed fine too, with the Avalanche suffering a scratch perhaps. Although paying the $500 deductible plus rental car fees causes me greatgreatgrande pain in the lower wallet, all will be okay. My wife, co-workers, students, and even my cat have been very kind about it all. No pictures to go along with this entry though.

Mi class es su class

This blog post is sponsored by a couple of Okinawans and the number 96.

As you read this, try and conjure up some Ace of Base in the background for that mid ’90s mood–or play the CD if you have it!

Last week I had the fortune of traveling back to Walla Walla for my 10-year high school reunion. I was in Walla Walla for less than 2 days, but the time I spent there totally reeked of awesomeness. Here are a few pictures capturing some of the highlights.

I’ve got a lot of memories about high school. Most of the ones I keep are positive. Maranatha trips down to Mexico. “Cruising the gut” for the sake of saying we were “crusing the gut” Swinging a scimitar around the stage in The Merchant of Venice. But occasionally a memory will creep up on me that is so horrifyingly embarrassing, I actually shudder and begin talking to myself.

When I didn’t think I would be attending my high school reunion it was very easy to get nostalgic and think about what I’d be missing. But when I actually decided to go, there was a moment of panic that set in. Fortunately, that was a brief moment. It allowed me to see that I have actually matured since those years. Back in high school I was scared of everything. I was scared of driving (in College Place for crying out loud), scared of revealing any feelings toward another person, scared of talking in class, scared of failure. During these years, I also had terrible insomnia–my insecurities kept me up. But the night before my flight, I slept well. Getting old has some advantages (I know that marriage has helped too).

Seeing fellow 96ers again was just very pleasant. There were a few moments of awkward conversation sprinkled about, but my life is a tribute to awkward conversation. Mostly, it was just fun to catch up, hear what people are doing, see kids running about, rehash old jokes, and give hugs. Rather than fear and anxiety, I mostly felt comforted. There’s something reassuring about hanging out with 30 or so people who share a common experience. I’ve always had this weird hope of being trapped in an elevator with strangers because I think it would be a fascinating social experience. I’ve heard that shared traumatic experiences bring people closer together (thank you Speed, the movie) and if high school doesn’t qualify what does?

In addition to alumni festivities, the weekend also abounded with a plethora of mini-reunions and meetings. I got to see my friends Holly and Kuyler again, as they generously hosted a night of games and pet entertainment. I had breakfast with my brother-in-law Aaron and his girlfriend Jen, as we reveled at a local greasy spoon restaurant and celebrated his birthday a little early. Sabbath lunch was spent with my second family, the Kochs, who treated me to some spectacular food and I got to play “Uncle Ronn” to the quickly growing grandkids. Heather and Ted also hosted me for a brief while, as I got to see their nicesuperquiet house and rock out as a Guitar Hero . . . if you count missing most of your notes as rocking out.

My time also ended very well, as I stayed up until nearly 3:00 am munching on blueberries and playing Settlers at Rudy’s place.

I’m definitely hoping to make it back to the 20-year reunion–presuming the arthritis isn’t too bad. You know you’ve had a pretty good time when your biggest regret is not breaking out the Usher Yeah! dance at the bowling alley. Actually, now that I think about it, at the 20-year I probably won’t even know any of the songs they play at the bowling alley! I’m suddenly depressed.

Fauxbia

I do not suffer from paraskavedekatriaphobia, but this Friday the 13th was insane in the membrane. I woke up this morning to nearly a foot of snow. All over Western New York, hundreds of black cats are buried.

Just in case you thought I was a whiner last night, here are more pictures from this morning.

Despite warnings from colleagues and “radio personalities” I persevered and drove to work. My major motivation was the fact that I had just spent half an hour shoveling snow and didn’t want these efforts to go for naught. There was but a trace of snow in Rochester, and the commute was uneventful. While I worked, Sara played the role of pioneer woman as the power went out.

Flaky State

It is way too early to be brushing snow off of my windshield.

It is way too early to be getting up to check if I have to shovel my driveway.

It is way too early to be shoveling my driveway.

It is way too early for the chaos that ensues in my class when a few flakes fall.

It is October 12th for crying out loud! Tomorrow it is Friday the 13th.

Take that rewind it back

Tomorrow I’ll be heading out to Walla Walla for my 10-year high school reunion. Crazy. It’s all due to the generosity of my parents, since my dad’s 50th (yes, 50th) is coming up and they are in the reunion mood. I’m spoiled. They rule.

Anyway, my friend Lauri and I made up this list in honor of the event. Apologies to fellow 96ers who saw this in the newsletter.

By the way, if you don’t catch the “Baker’s Dozen” reference watch this here video.

13 Ways to Survive Alumni Weekend—Baker’s Dozen!

1. Don’t dress like you did in 1996. Unless you really still wear flannels, ripped jeans, and Doc Martens. Oh wait, that was just Lauri.

2. Bring a book. There may be times when you need to check out for awhile. Some possible titles: Oh the Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss; The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller; Escape! The Story of the Great Houdini by Sid Fleischman; Careers for Class Clowns and Other Engaging Types by Jan Goldberg; and The Beverly Hills, 90210 Guide by Venice Holmes. Books to avoid: So You’re Having a Heart Cath and Angioplasty by Magnus Ohman, MD, et al.; A Deadly Class Reunion by Bill Flynn; and Terror Stalks the Class Reunion by Mary Higgins Clark.

3. Bring some pictures of where you live now, your family, your pets – but don’t bring your wedding video (unless someone has specifically requested it), 8 million pictures of your cat, or your scrapbook of little Jimmy’s crayon drawings.

4. If you joined the military and became a secret black ops operative, don’t open with “I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork—how’ve you been?”

6. Start a “Compare Your Belly” contest with fabulous prizes made out of butter.

7. Think of special awards for your class: Most Hair Loss, Greatest Wardrobe Improvement, Most Asian, etc.

8. Lecture current students about the hard times, such as having to drive to Tri-Cities for Taco Bell. And Starbucks? Don’t get us started.

9. In preparation for Alumni Weekend, fill your MP3 player with lots of Smashing Pumpkins, Hootie and the Blowfish, and Ace of Base! If that doesn’t get you in the mood, you got more problems than a Schafer Algebra II assignment.

10. To recreate the nostalgia of the Senior Class Trip, bring your own Mormon! Note: We went to Salt Lake City for our class trip.

11. Instead of recounting the same details of your life to everyone who asks, try inserting some interesting facts–your favorite rap album, the name of your dentist, or how many miles you live from Walla Walla—both literally and metaphorically.

12. Exorcise your dress code demons and get all crazy with a WWJD necklace or a LIVESTRONG bracelet. Exorcise while you accessorize.

13. Make it a “My Name is Earl” weekend and make things right with those you have wronged in your past—Karma style. Disclaimer: Karma is not a doctrine approved by the Adventist church (though it is approved by Carson Daly). For a list of ways to interact in church-approved Karmatic ways, visit www.veggiekarma.org.