Turkeys Pardon President

In an unusual twist on Thanksgiving tradition, Presidentially pardoned turkeys Flyer and Fryer Butterball have decided to give a pardon to President George W. Bush. Speaking through their interpreter, Big Bird, the brothers B offered feathery forgiveness over the situation in Iraq, domestic wiretapping, and torturing innocent men with mustaches.

“The President has had a hard November,” said Fryer, the more eloquent of the two, who once worked at FEMA. “Republicans avoided him like he had bird flu and then his party got kicked in das Hinterland by the American public. Yet in spite of those frustrations, he still managed to demonstrate his love for freedom, by pardoning Flyer and me. I’m surprised his approval rating hasn’t skyrocketed up to the low 40s.”

In a show of solidarity, Flyer came to the President’s defense as well. “Sure there were no weapons of mass destruction. Sure there were no links between Al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein. Sure he said ‘mission accomplished’ a decade or so too early. But what people forget about the President is what a great inter-species communicator he is. I mean Fryer and I–we really feel like he’s the only President who can talk on our level. We appreciate his fowl language.”

The two emancipated turkeys also issued an official statement of pardon. “We Flyer and Fryer Butterball do hereby pardon President George Walter Bush of any tomfoolery, shenanigans, and general Dan Quayle-ness. He will get to go to Disneyworld and be the Grand Marshall in a parade. After that he will live out his life on his Texas ranch where he can be free to clear as much brush as he likes without being disturbed by the media or Dick Cheney…we think that guy has a case of the uptightness.”

White House Spokesman Tony Snow addressed the reciprocated pardon at a press conference a few hours later. “The Vice President feels that talking birds are clearly a result of liberal science geeks playing Russian roulette with stem cells.” When asked what the President thought, Snow would not comment. However, he did reveal that the President would be making an unscheduled stop in Orlando.

It is believed that President Harry Truman started the traditional turkey pardon in 1947–not quite the humanitarian follow-up you’d expect from a guy who dropped a-bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, but it showed he had a soft side for birds.

PETA spokesperson Echo Stillwater applauded President Bush’s soft side. “The President has continued this humane and honorable tradition,” Stillwater said. “We give him credit for freeing not one but two turkeys in a month…and let’s not forget about Rumsfeld.”

Death by Ninja

Okay, I’m probably one of the last people to be aware of this site, but after seeing just a few episodes, I almost combusted from laughter. He kind of reminds me of Strong Bad with ADHD . Got this link from cnn.com of all places.

I highly recommend this episode. Beware of ninjas during this holiday season!

Hope of hopes:  I am crossing my fingers that Michael Scott will one day try to do his own version of askaninja on The Office.  I was delirious when I saw Lazy Scranton.

(D) Day

It’s been over two weeks now, and I’m finally believing that the Democrats are actually in control of Congress. Here’s my politcally-groundbreaking analysis of how they came away with the big W over “W” and the (R)s.

1) The underpaid Chinese workers who made those electronic voting machines decided to switch it up so that Republican votes wouldn’t be counted. They even had the audacity to leave the message “You have been made Punk’d” flashing on the screens.

2) Youtube viewers rocked the vote for Democrats in hopes of seeing George W. Bush give an awkward congratulatory backrub to Nancy Pelosi.

3) Much like Picasso, America is simply going through it’s own Blue period.

4) Democrats simply outhustled Republicans in one critical category: Appearances on The Daily Show.

5) In a case of mass delayed reaction, just before voting, Americans finally “got” John Kerry’s joke about George W. Bush.

6) Liberal supersecretagent Rush Limbaugh continued his covert operations as an idiotic Republican windbag by talking insensitive junk about Michael J. Fox. By turning off voters, Rush(if that’s his real name) essentially delivered Senate seats to Democrats in Missouri and Maryland.

7) After exasperating themselves on having to choose between an African-American and a Latino, conservatives felt too much voter fatigue from the Dancing with the Stars vote that very same night.

8 ) Americans were clamoring to hear “W” say folksy phrases like “We got whooped”

9) Howard “The Scream” Dean connected with Middle America through his ingenious marketing campaign–Extreme Makeover: Congress Edition. This defeated the campaign that Karl Rove and company have been using for the last 6 years–Fear Factor.

10) After successfully getting evangelicals to turn out for anti-gay marriage legislation in 2004, Republicans took it a step too far in 2006 by trying to ban Barbara Streisand music.

11) Not enough Democrats(and too many Republicans) signed up for the chance to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

12) Democrats realized that talk of “substantial issues” was distracting the voting public from hearing the snap, crackle, and pop of imploding Republicans.

Stripper Party

It was Saturday night. I was there with about twelve straight-laced church-going guys. The head deacon ordered the stripper.

Yes, last night the deacons and elders got together to strip the gym floor so that it can be refinished. It was four hours of decidedly non-scandalous buffing, scrubbing, vaccuuming, and mopping which will hopefully result in a spiffy looking floor.

The night brought back memories of my first encounter with a stripper. It was the night of my bachelor party. We were in the hotel room, the bubbles were flowing, a worm in the bottom of my cup, and my best man brought the stripper.

Of course, it was a Best Western, we were drinking Martinelli’s cider, my cup contained a gummy worm, and it was a garlic stripper.

Thus ends this child-friendly version of A Tale of Two Strippers

Au Revoir Australia

This week my class finished our study of Australia. We learned about the different regions, the aborigines, colonial history, Aussie slang, animals, various cities, etc. etc. and so forth. We even got to talk to the Aussie sis-in-law over speaker phone which was a big hit with the kids.

Here are some pictures of our Down Under classroom:

Reefer Madness! It’s The Great Barrier Reef. I called him Shareef.

In the Northern Territory of Australia lies Uluru (formerly Ayers Rock). Fortunately, the real Uluru is not dwarfed by Dell Computers.

From left to right: kangaroo, kookaburra, bilby

One thing that I still need to do is bring some Vegemite in for my students to taste. That will wake them up.

Next up, we switch to science class and study the human body. I actually, almost laughed out loud when the video talked about hormones. Yes, since I started teaching upper elementary I know all about those.

She feed my tummy…when I’m in need

Tonight I came home to this:

For make nutritional benefit for me from glorious grad school wife

Left: My plate of squash curry over rice, pad thai, and spring roll

Right: Chef’s plate, spring rolls, plum sauce, my plate, kiwi & mandarin fruit salad, cucumbers, and peanut garnish painstakingly harvested from trail mix!

(Notes: Please ignore shameful use of forks. Tofu on curry and pad thai = RDA of soy)

In twenty years or so, I will probably look like this:

But I will continue to be one happy happy husband.

High Soyciety

I’ve always loved vegi-meat. I remember at WWC there was this English Club gathering called “Death By Chocolate” where people would drool over fanciful chocolate confections. But that didn’t really do it for me. If given a choice, I would much prefer “Death By Vegi-Meat” which I guess could also be termed soyicide.

But where to begin this soybean seppuku? Well, here is a list of my top 10 vegetarian faux meats.

1. Prosage: Yes, the big soy sausage is numero uno in my book. Its circular grayish-brown turn tables spin through my mind. Thank goodness it’s pricey, or it would be sayonara to seeing my shoes. With discretion, try this gutbuster. A sandwich containing three thick slices of fried prosage topped with melted American cheese and accompanied by a schmear of mashed potatoes.

2. Skallops: Just made some of these bad boys tonight. My preferred method goes back to ancient Okinawan tradition which involves dipping the skallop in egg, dredging it in bread crumbs, and frying it til it turns a greasy golden brown. However, there is a plethora of ways to prepare them. My mommy-in-law also has her own mean recipe involving a cornmeal flour mixture. This summer I grilled them on skewers and topped them with lemon garlic butter. Upon the request of a certain theology professor, The Golden Horse restaurant in Walla Walla made mock sesame chicken out of them, thus making the world a better place. And of course, there’s nothing wrong with going sushi style on that skallop and eating it raw.

3. Vegetarian Burger: This is a fairly versatile vegi-meat which is quite good in won-ton and can be fried into a rather delicious patty. However, you do not know the depths of soy joy until you have tasted Sara’s taco meat.

4. Prosage Links: Eaten with an omelette, crumbled and baked on a pizza, or being the wingman to your mushroom soup over rice, “Junior” more than holds his own at any meal.

5. Little Links: This oft-neglected dog shows that size doesn’t matter. Consuming an entire can in one sitting is not recommended, but not unlikely either.

6. Stripples: I think the artist T-Pain once voiced his love for this imitation bacon with the song “I’m in Love with a Stripple” He was probably enamored by its crispy goodness and salty flava. It’s good with any breakfast or in a BL without the T. If you are confident that the Democrats will reform healthcare, you can add this to the sandwich mentioned in #1.

7. Vegi Turkey Slices: My mama’s Thanksgiving turkey rollups(think stuffing wrapped in a turkey taco and baked) are a weapon of mass consumption. However, this also makes for a fine sandwich meat, and the best of the vegi-slices in my opinion.

8. Leanies: I can’t even remember the last time I had a Leanie, and that’s a tragedy. The Leanie tastes more like a real beef hot dog than all the others, and it is actually the right size for a bun unlike its canned competitors. Nevertheless, should Leanie become embroiled in a scandal(such as not being all soy) Super Link and Big Frank are worthy replacements for the crown, sash, fake nails, and cheesy hand wave.

9. Chik Patties: It doesn’t taste like chicken at all, but I’m not one to complain about this fillet of spicy breaded goodness. Good between a burger bun, but even better sliced up and wrapped in a pita with lettuce, pepper, cucumber, and ranch dressing.

10. Fri-Chik: This really is the signature vegi-meat–the one that gets mentioned in jokes more than any other. It’s the Swiss Army Knife of soy. Good in a cottage cheese loaf, a curry, or skewered on a kebab, if this oddly-shaped chunk played basketball it would average a triple-double.

Say my names, say my names

When I was a kid, I thought it would be cool to become a Muslim just so I could change my name to something like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. But then I heard some propaganda about needing to memorize the Qu’ran and it killed my dreams.

Still, I have always been fascinated by all the cool names out there. So here is a list of various names in various categories that I would choose for myself.

Russian: Pavel

African-American: D’shon

Hispanic: Carlos

Italian: Giussepe

Scandinavian: Magnus

African: N’dugu

Arabic: Karim

Hawaiian: Nainoa

British: Nigel

Jersey: Chazz

Redneck: Roscoe

Greek: Poseidon

Native American: Introverted Marmot

Asian: Kiyoshi (hey, I actually have that one!)

Gato Gordo?

Sara found this clip somewhere. We figure it might be a good idea for our Tess who is becoming a bit of a flabby tabby. It would also be nearly ilegally cute.