Like Sausage, these are the Wurst

About 10 years ago, I wrote a list of the worst Christmas gifts, which appeared in my high school newspaper. A sampling from then:

Anything that reads, “Made in America…by the Unabomber”

Dr. Jack Kevorkian’s Book of Home Remedies

Snapping back to current times, here’s a list of items to avoid this year. Remember last-minute shoppers, it’s not too late to avoid these items!

1. Jello Putin Pops: Especially avoid these if you used to work for the KGB. And don’t be lured in by the fact that they glow in the dark.

2. Taco Bell Diet Pills: They may look and taste like green onions, but these will make sure you drop pounds like they’re hot. Still, you must remember that contracting e-coli is not a Surgeon General-approved method of weight loss.

3. Muqtada al-Sadr’s new hip-hop CD: People will be disappointed if you buy this debut album, Just Add Sadr. Tracks such as Insurgent G and It’s Hard Out Here for a Radical Shiite Cleric just don’t translate well.

4. Paris Hilton Friendship Bracelets: These bracelets change colors depending on Ms. Hilton’s view of you at the time. This could drive you to alcoholism, anorexia, and trashiness. Speaking of which…

5. Britney Spears’ new line of infant diapers: The name of the line speaks for itself–Ooptional. Trust me, you’ll be saying something much less kid-friendly than “Oops they did it again” if they are or aren’t wearing these.

6. The Audacity to Grope: Not to be outdone by Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton shares her views of her husband in this book about the Monica/Gennifer/ Linda/Vicky/ Parvati/Chaquanda/Chow-Mei years. It’s a definite can miss.

7. Page-a-Day Calendar: Normally not such a bad gift. Except this one by Mark Foley.

8. Faith Hill’s New Butter: If the name doesn’t get you(What!? I can’t believe it’s not butter…no wait I was only joking…I’m glad it’s butter), the bitter taste will. Talk about country crock.

9. New electronic potty training stations: The Wii Wii by Nintendo, the PS Number 1 and Number 2 by Sony, and the iPeed by Apple, just can’t beat old-fashion methods like stickers on a chart. Your toddlers will be relieved that you didn’t get them any of these.

10. Fruitcake: Because there are much more polite ways to tell someone you don’t like them.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Mele Kalikimaka y’all.

He’s Union

Well, we finally trimmed our tree. It actually wasn’t until adulthood that I realized “trimming” referred to decoration rather than pruning. Although an intrigued Tess may experiment with the latter.

Since we’re leaving for Spokane on the 20th, our tree will get about 5 days of real work. I think our tree (call him Alvy) must have made labor laws work for him. It kind of reminds me of the koalas we held in the Australia Zoo. They were actually on a strict half-hour holding schedule. I only know this because I had the 30-minute koala while Sara got a fresh one. Not that I’m bitter.

Anyhow, here’s our 5-day laboring tree looking not overly pimped. You know it isn’t that hard out here for a tree.

I came, I sawed, I cinched

We weren’t going to get a Christmas tree this year, but two words changed our minds. Free tree. Actually, I guess it was the adjective that did it. This suprising offer came from a church member we barely knew. Apparently, one of his neighbors owned a tree farm and owed him a favor. We must have looked tree needy.

On Tuesday, Sara rode to work with me to provide piano accompaniment for my students in preparation for their upcoming Christmas program. So after school we set out to find our Tannenbaum.

The sun was setting as we arrived at the farm. I borrowed a saw from the owner, an older gentleman who looked a bit like a tree himself. Stiff trunked, with rather inflexible limbs. We ventured out amongst the trees, briskly walking amidst brisk air.

After some requisite indecisiveness, Sara made the choice. So I sawed as if my wife depended on it. ‘Twas a good workout that sawing. After a few minutes of my ninja/Jedi/X-Men/Iron Chef techniques the tree succumbed to the blade.

The nice old tree man (I’ll call him Harry) put our tree through the baler and gave us some spare twine. Having never been in Pathfinders, Cub Scouts, or Cirque Du Soleil, I had little confidence in my knot-tying ability. However, I did manage to cinch it down.

As we drove home, I had Sara open up the sunroof shade so I could monitor the tree’s status. Visions of a tree launch danced in my head and I checked the tree obsessively. It got to a point where Sara had to reprimand me for unsafe driving and for being incredibly annoying.

Happily, the three of us made it home. It now sits in our dining room much to the delight of Tess, who undoubtedly thinks that this was all done for her sake.

The tree. No idea what kind it is. Decorations coming soon.