Politicians, turkeys

In the run-up to the ‘08 Presidential Election it seems increasingly difficult to filter through all the doublespeak to find anything of substance in any candidate.

Fortunately, we have Thanksgiving. Sure it’s a time to be thankful, to connect with family, and to boost the American economy by stampeding other shoppers, but it is also a time where we can learn a lot about who people are. This dates back to the first Thanksgiving, when the Native Americans learned something about the Pilgrims–these white dudes don’t know jack about surviving here–and the Pilgrims learned something about the Native Americans–these people are so nice, we bet it would be really easy to take their land.

To truly understand our political compadres and commadres of today, we only need to look at how he or she prepares the Thanksgiving centerpiece.  To paraphrase Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin, “Tell me what kind of turkey you eat, and I’ll tell you what kind of turkey you are.”

In an absurd stroke of luck, The Queso Dip has gotten wind of many of the major candidates’ culinary plans for Turkey Day.

The Democrats

John Edwards plans to cook two turkeys. One will be a very meaty one that has enjoyed a life of privilege and tax breaks. The other turkey will be malnourished, neglected, and come from a farm where you can’t get service from Verizon. Edwards will talk about the contrast between these turkeys, the need to narrow the gap between them, and then gobble down the first turkey quickly so he can attend to his hair.

Barack Obama will give his turkey an audacious message of hope before killing it, stuffing it, and cooking it. It should be noted that the stuffing will include recipes from a variety of cultures.

Hillary Clinton has dodged most attempts to give information about her plans for this year’s turkey–only answering questions from people who have her recipe cards. However, she seems like she already has plans for cooking next year’s turkey. In related news, she will be spending the holiday with her husband.

The Republicans

Although his only experience with turkey is making a turkey sandwich, Rudy Giuliani plans to kill his turkey by scaring the heck out of it and causing it to jump into the oven. He will naturally cook it at 911 degrees.

Fred Thompson will start cooking his turkey very late this year and will be surprised when people are more excited about getting his autograph than eating his turkey.

After saying he isn’t going to cook a turkey, Mitt Romney will actually cook a turkey. He will then try to convince everyone that his traditional way of cooking a turkey isn’t really really weird. Romney is unclear about whether or not he will be cooking the turkey in Jackson County, Missiouri.

Although he used to be known as a cutting-edge cook who didn’t just follow tradition, John McCain will be using President Bush’s turkey recipe this year.

The Also-Rans

No one has asked John Kerry about his plans, but they will involve Heinz ketchup.

Al Gore has major plans for cooking a wonderful turkey feast this year. However, unbeknownst to him, men and women in black robes will steal his turkey. Nevertheless, he will be lauded as a humanitarian for not eating turkey and win awards from PETA, ASPCA, etc.

The President

After learning about tainted turkey meat, George Bush will declare war on the country of Turkey.