Heartbeat

Yesterday was a bad day for our cat Tess.

It all started when I went to find some tax records in our cheapo filing cabinet. After finding said records, I attempted to close the drawer only to meet some resistance. Assuming it was a part that got dislodged or a file that got stuck, I moved things around until it seemed clear. Giving it another forceful shove, I was perplexed at its lack of budgeability. Just before the third shove, I heard a peep and out jumped Tess. She licked her paw and looked at me pointedly. That was trauma one, and the day was still young.

Part two began when I began the process of taking her to a vet appointment. It was the first time I got to play the role of responsible parent, as Sara had taken her on all previous occasions. So out came the cage, and out came the kitty treats. My first strategy was to try and give her a taste and then create a trail into the carrier. Call it my pathway to portability. Unfortunately, Tess had experience with this. She ate up the first treat, but then stopped short of the cage door. I tried to sweet talk her for a few minutes, but then got impatient and tried to shove her in. That’s when she used all her feline agility to turn every which way and brace herself against the door. Body rigid, claws out.

After that, I tried a variety of techniques such as standing the cage up and trying to drop her in face up and face down. No dice. All through this ordeal she never once bit or scratched me, only making a few yowling noises I hadn’t heard before. After a few more attempts with treats, I lured her close enough to the cage that I was able to shove her in. I had about a second to feel satisfied, as she quickly reversed her body and crammed her head in between the cage and its door. Not wanting to choke her, I finally managed to use the door to force her head back in.

The whole process was very strange to me, in my frustrated moments I felt very much like an exasperated parent. Aside from the kitty treats, it was not unlike the sight of my mom chasing my brother around the car as she tried to “coax” him out into the big wide world of kindergarten (as I passively enjoyed the show from my car seat).

Tess was very quiet on the ride over. So quiet that I had to pull over and check if she was okay. In her silence, I could hear her saying, first the drawer, then the cage, what’s next on your agenda of evil?

We went into the vet’s office and got taken to a waiting room. As the vet took her out of the cage, she was covered in kitty dandruff (one of her stress indicators). And suddenly in a scary new place, she tried desperately to get back inside her cage.

The next few minutes were a bit surreal for me. The vet checked her heart rate and announced to the assistant that Tess was dropping three or four beats. I just assumed this meant that her heart rate was calming down. But then I heard the vet say something about arrhythmia.

In the moments that followed, she tried to emphasize that this was nothing to get too worried about, that it may be nothing, that this happens, etc. Nevertheless, my mind was churning. I’ve really never had a doctor tell me bad news before.

Yes, she’s only a cat–but she’s our cat. She’s the cat that’s sitting calmly on the monitor listening to the rhythm of my typing as her heart skips the occasional beat.

I think she’ll be okay. We haven’t seen any symptoms or warning signs. They did have a kitty EKG machine there, but it was broken. Doesn’t seem like there’s a lot that can be done for this. I look at her differently now though. Kind of like you would with someone who walks with a limp or who just got their heart broken. I guess we’ll just hope and pray that her quirky heart beats for a long long time.

Ich Liebe Das Spiel

Part two of the NBA season begins today and I’m jazzed like a Ute. While I’m not sold on the new NBA slogan (“Where Amazing Happens”) it is shaping up to be a rather amazing season. I do love this game.

The league has found a way to rebound after last summer’s Tim Donaghy scandal–providing an entertaining on-court product.

Scoring is up, competition is fierce, and deals are getting done. Other than last year’s bland as breadfruit Finals, I thought last year was an entertaining season–but the prospects of this season have me salivating like a Pavlovian dogg (his homies who loved classical conditioning).

My thoughts on some of the contenders:

The East

Boston: I love that the Celtics are resurgent. As much as I hated them in the 80s and early 90s, it was sad to see this once proud franchise in the tank. Kevin Garnett has always had my admiration, and he has totally changed the culture of that team. The great thing about the Celtics is that they got it done without KG. This is a testament to Doc Rivers and to Paul “No Nickname” “The Truth” Pierce. It’s easy to forget that Pierce got pretty close to taking the C’s to the Finals in spite of Antoine “Never Met a Shot I didn’t Like/Take” Walker. Although, their roster isn’t deep, they have been playing every game competitively and have pulled out some very close games in crunch time.

Detroit: The Pistons continue to fire along smoothly, with their blend of experience and unselfishness. I think it was a good idea to infuse some youth into their roster with Rodney Stuckey, Jason Maxiell, and Aaron Afflalo. Maybe a few years of Finals famine will make these guys hungry again. For me, I can’t get excited about them going into the Finals, but I definitely wouldn’t bet against them.

Cleveland: The first part of the season was up and down for the team, but LeBron James just continues to ascend. The NBA is very fortunate to have the King for a long long time. After last year’s dominating road to the Finals, I won’t count these guys out, but it is a bit disappointing that they didn’t make any trades to help LeBron out.

Orlando: After getting the shaft in Miami, I’m happy for Stan Van Gundy, aka “The Notorious SVG” This team has definitely been a surprise. Dwight Howard has been an ubermensch–although I did take delight in seeing Andrew Bynum totally dominate him. Who knew Turkoglu still had game? I don’t see them as having any shot at the Finals, but they should enjoy the ride and a bright future.

The West

LA Lakers: I’ve liked the Lakers since I was a kid. I think my favorite sports moment might be Magic Johnson’s hook shot against the Celtics in Game 4 of the ‘87 Finals. The beginning of the decade was good to Laker Nation, since then we’ve had some hard times. Yet this year, I’m beginning to believe. The Gasol trade was genius, and I think it’s hilarious what a Mitch Kupchak cheerleader Kobe has become of late. But even before that, you had Andrew Bynum becoming a real force and my new favorite player. I think Derek Fisher has made a huge difference to this team. Jordan Farmar has improved tremendously. And Kobe must be given some kudos as well. In the games leading up to the All-Star Break, Kobe just seemed to become a totally different player. All of a sudden he’s getting 30 points and only taking 12-15 shots. He’s leading them in assists. He’s playing lockdown D on Dwayne Wade. With Bynum’s knee and Kobe’s finger, I think the Lakers have a few too many questions marks to choose for the Finals at this point–but you know the league’s marketing office would sell their soul for a Lakers/Celtics Finals.

Phoenix: I almost forgot to include the Suns, and I’m not sure how. Although I historically loathe this franchise, I will admit that they got screwed over big-time last year. It’s sad that they gave up on their team when they were so close. I really don’t know how to react to the Shaq trade, so I really can’t pick them to take it all the way. You know the league would love a Suns/Lakers matchup almost as much as a Lakers/Celtics Finals. I think that Shaq could really help them come playoff time, especially if he gets them to believe they can go all the way. That’s the trouble with the Suns–they are very much like the Sacramento Kings of the early ’00s. They lack the killer instinct and are more prone to whining. Shaq should help them with the interior D, but he may disrupt Amare Stoudemire’s offensive rhythms. More than anything else, I think they are going to miss Shawn Marion as a lockdown defender on Nowitzki, Odom, David West, and even Duncan. Grant Hill and Stoudemire cannot handle those guys one on one. We’ll see what Nash can do to make it all click.

New Orleans: What a pleasant surprise this team has been. After being shipped off to the super competitive west, I thought they would be doomed to years of futility. Give the front office credit for building a cohesive team and for hiring Byron Scott. The former Laker baseline bomber never really got the credit he deserved in taking the Nets to three straight Finals, but it seems the guy knows what he is doing. Of course it helps to have a freak point guard once again as CP3 plays the role of Jason Kidd. I think this team may be a little short on experience, but I love the balance they have more than any other team in the West. Let’s see if Peja can stay healthy.

San Antonio: Last season’s champs are not an exciting team to write about, but they have to be mentioned in the contenders section. I wouldn’t be surprised if they add some veteran who wants to win one last championship onto their roster. They just need to get healthy and nobody will want to play them and the Dunkin’ Duncan in the playoffs. Of course, it’s an even year so chances are that they will have to wait to win in ‘09.

Dallas: After much ado about Larry Bird rights, retired players getting traded, and Jerry Stackhouse’s big mouth it appears the deal for Jason Kidd will get done. If it does, I’m picking the Mavs for the Finals. My reasons are kind of strange. San Antonio is just a boring pick, the Lakers have those questions marks and it would personally be too good to be true, Phoenix and Shaq may not mix, and I just don’t see New Orleans making good on the fairy tale. That leaves Dallas. I have good reasons for picking them. Mark Cuban has a ton of cash to spend from all those endorsements he got from “Dancing with the Stars” J-Kidd is still one of the most influential players in the game and will help Dirk Nowitzki tremendously. I think he may be even more beneficial to a menschlete like Josh Howard (see Richard Jefferson). Finally, after last year’s disappointment, the pressure is lower and I think that this will help Dallas. With Shaq coming west, I think they may regret the trade of DeSagana Diop, but they can probably find a few more big bodies to provide 5 fouls each.

Utah/Golden State/Denver/Houston: Any one of these teams could upset any of the teams above, but the regular season hasn’t shown that these teams have the consistency to go all the way.

Finals Picks: Celtics vs. Mavs

Champion: Heart says Celtics, but head says Mavs. I usually go with the head. Mavs in seven.

If you didn’t find this experience totally painful, you should check out this article by Bill Simmons. I probably pilfered many ideas from him, and he says it better.

There will be game, there will be snacks

I feel a little lame for following up a top ten list with another top ten list, but since the Super Bowl happens tomorrow, timing has forced my hand.

In terms of food, and perhaps life, there are few things that I am more passionate about than salty crunchy snacks. Even veggie meat pales in comparison. What better time to celebrate than the chip event of the year? I can think of none.

X. Original Chex Mix: I recently decimated a bag of this stuff while driving down to Batavia. Although I like every member of this group, the flavored breads make the experience seem like a little treasure hunt.

IX. Chili Cheese Fritos: It’s been awhile since I had a bag of these, but back in my high school days I could pop these like they were hot. Episodes would always end with the familiar chili powder-stained hands. Even now, I can’t bring myself to use them as a haystack base–as it seems to be a tragic waste of their flavor potential.

VIII. Parmesan Goldfish: You could watch them swim on soups or float on salads, but I’m guessing you won’t have either of those at your Super Bowl party. So just chug them from the bag. These crisp little guys leave little hand residue and less guilt than your average chip.

VII. Cool Ranch Doritos: Former Disney Teacher of the Year and Oprah’s BFF Ron Clark wrote a book called The Essential 55. This book listed rules that allowed him to succeed in an inner-city New York classroom. I almost trashed the book when I saw that one of his rules was “No Doritos in class” The crunchy cool ranch triangles are a personal favorite of mine. I may teach a lesson on geometry with them just to spite Mr. Clark.

VI. Original Cornuts: Some people really hate Cornuts. I nearly lost love for these after this episode in Australia, but alas our love could even survive the malicious misadventures of cornuts out the nose. Great texture, great crunch. Clearly corn gone right.

V. White Cheddar Cheez-It: Ever since we sat next to a chatty snack-sharing Hawaiian on the plane a few years ago, my wife and I have had a thing for the Cheez-It. My wife is only a recreational snacker, but she was the one who brought the white cheddar cheez-it into our lives. This has a milder flavor than the original, and can be consumed with reckless abandon. The drawbacks? Cheez residue all over the hands and cheez-it cheeze-zits all over the face. Nevertheless, we play through the pain.

IV. Funyuns: I have literally made the roof of my mouth hurt by eating large quantities of these. Great for a Super Bowl party, since you need to keep focus on the game. Your Funyun breath will act as an offensive line if you even think of trying to get your flirt on.

III. Pringles Sour Cream & Onion Right Crisps: As far as chips go this is the ultimate. I have and will consume a can of these in one sitting. Luckily for me, I actually like the slightly healthier version of these over the original. Aside from the flawless flavor and texture, they do a great job of retaining their structural integrity. For those few chips that do break away, the design of the can allows for easy sliding down the hatch.

II. Popcorn made on the stove top w/ melted butter, salt, and garlic salt: Although I’ve had a strange apathy for popcorn lately, I can honestly say this would be one of the hardest foods for me to live without. It’s also healthier than a lot of the junk above–especially if you make it on the stove rather than the microwave. I do consider popcorn kernels stuck in my teeth as one of the most annoying things ever, but it is minuscule when compared with the pleasure of a handful(soon-to-be mouthful) of popcorn.

I. Tostitos rounds with Tostitos con Queso dip: It should not surprise readers that the numero uno snack would involve queso dip. I actually requested this as a Christmas gift this year and Santa (aka the mother-in-law) delivered. It really is shameful that I get so much joy from repeatedly scooping oozing processed cheese down my gullet. At least there’s a little exercise involved. Instead of just bag to mouth action, it’s bag to jar to mouth. Lots of extra carbs burned there I’m sure.

Now that I’ve written this entry, I feel gross and don’t feel like eating any of these snacks for a year. I’m sure that will change by tomorrow. Go Giants.

Juno: A Sunny Delight

There are some movies that bring the happy.  Juno is one of these movies.  Here are some reasons why:

1.  Thundercats reference!

2.  Drinking Sunny D straight from the bottle

3.  A spiffy soundtrack that I decided to purchase

4.  Token Asian as anti-abortion activist

5.  Hearing Allison Janney deliver lines in a way that I’ve missed since The West Wing went off the air

6.  Cameo appearance by Rainn Wilson of The Office

7.  Parents who come across as sympathetic, yet not saccharine.  Refreshing for a movie about teenagers.

8.  Ellen Page’s performance–never has a Canadian done such justice to ebonics…fo’ shizzle!

9.  Michael Cera’s performance–never has a Canadian done such justice to short shorts, headbands, and tic-tacs

10. A quirky, but believable story of true teenage love

Go and see it.  In the words of my bro-in-law, “You won’t be disappointed”