Sex ed., balls, and fundamentalism

For the past six weeks, I have taken three classes toward my M.A. in Curriculum & Instruction.  Truthfully, there was very little to take in terms of practical ideas or great teaching techniques, but the classes caused me to think quite a bit about my teaching and made me grateful for my current teaching situation.  The summer also featured some fantastic quotes that are featured below:

 

Quote 1: “If you have to, you teach yourself for a month in the mirror.”

 

The context: A guest presenter talking about teaching sex education

 

Quote 2: “Don’t get caught up in your own flowing into it.”

 

The context: Same presenter as above, talking about how to address the issue of “self-pleasuring”

 

Quote 3: “Go line up with your balls against the wall.”

 

The context: A student presenting a “hands-on” activity using rubber balls (this inspired me to refer to these as “spheres” in my classes from this point on)

 

From the fact that I bothered to write the above three down, one might suggest that I should simply move on with my sixth grade class…as a student, seeing as how my humor would probably fit in swimmingly.

 

 

 

But then there was this gem, that was in a realm all by itself, the number one humdinger, the mother of all quotes…

 

Quote 4: “We didn’t vote for Sarah Palin because the media told us not to.”

 

The context: My superfundamentalist professor who was taking a breath from telling us that Harry Potter makes little Satan worshipers and that World of Warcraft has beautiful yet EVIL artwork.

 

Looking forward to at least three more quotable summers.

Check Check Check

Dad’s triple bypass surgery was successful.  Though he can’t talk he was able to give the thumbs up and agreed to take it easy during his recovery.  Even though he was severely hopped up on all kinds of drugs, I’m holding him to this agreement.  

Thanks for the thoughts, wishes, and prayers.

Dad

My dad goes in for bypass surgery today.  It’s not an emergency and he insists he feels totally normal.  Nevertheless, thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Terms of Endearment

So much depends

upon

rugged Harley bikers

in “Jesus is Lord” leather

treating themselves

to frozen yogurt

Project Hallway

During my M.A. Education classes, I’ve seen a lot of “high-quality school” videos.  This has led me to come up with an instructional table for any school who might want to appear as a high-quality one.  Even if they are mediocre or below, inclusion (and exclusion) of the following will ensure that everyone thinks they are the bees’ knees.  So stop, collaborate, and listen because in the world of education, you’re either in or you’re out.

Category	In	Out
Hallway Décor	Tree made of butcher paper	“Cuidado Piso Mojado”
Teachers	At least 1 sitting on desk (hand gestures a plus)	Text messaging (gang signs a minus)
Cultural Harmony	Interracial friendships	Interracial couples
Health	PE with a parachute	School cafeteria food
Science Project	Baking soda volcano	Youtube Clip: “How to make pipe bomb”
Alternative Transportation	Everyone talking to the kid in wheelchair	Everyone harassing the security officer on segway
Kids to Highlight	–African-American girl  –Braided hair with lots of colorful plastic in it –Missing front baby teeth	–Obese white kid  –Missing adult teeth (Hide from camera crew)
Multimedia	Science video: The Extinction of Pandas	Class party video: Kung Fu Panda
Posters	Anything with MLK, Abe Lincoln, or Mother Teresa	Anything with rainbows (political/fabulous kind)
Art	“Starry Night”	“Dogs Playing Poker”

 

Did I miss anything?

Oh Mickey you’re so clairvoyant

Today, I watched a special on the History Channel about Michel de Nostredame (aka Nostradamus).  According to the HC, here are a few facts about the best-selling prophet (mentalfloss style).

1.  He couldn’t predict his school closing.  Young Michel was all geared up and ready to go to University of Avignon.  However, he only spent about a year there before it closed due to the plague.  While leaving college he shook his fists at the heavens and yelled, “I’m sure knowing when communism falls will be handy someday, but I was really looking forward to that kegger!”

2.  He went by Mickey.  After the Avignon debacle, Michel would apply to medical school.  He signed the form Mickey de Nostredame.  Rather predictably the book, The Mysterious Mickey Nostradamus, tanked.

3.  He was a bit of a prick in medical school.  During his first year at the University of Montpelier, he got expelled.  Apparently, he was a bit temperamental and cited for rude comments (though Wikipedia says it was his herbal tendencies).  Apparently, he was especially chippy when people would say, “You’re sooo predictable.”

4.  His clean freakiness paid off.  After being expelled from medical school, he went around marketing himself as a doctor while he helped to treat the plague (and probably picked up some ladyfolk).  He was actually quite successful.  However, this was due to his hygiene rather than his medical skill as he burned bodies, aired out rooms, and got rid of plagued clothing.

5.  He experienced tragedy in his personal life.  His first wife and two kids died of the plague.  The house was very tidy after that incident.

6.  Ben Franklin may have ripped him off.  Back in the day, Nostradamus got his name out there by publishing almanacs.  These predicted weather, gave medical advice, and also contained his prophecies written in the form of quatrains (apparently, he was above Haiku).  No prophecies for Big Ben, but lots of other similarities to Poor Richard’s.

7.   His first big break was literally, a big break.  Apparently, Nostradamus had a really big fan in Queen Catherine of France.  She dug his almanac and cautioned her man, Henry II, not to joust because of a Nostradamus prediction.  However, Henry didn’t put much stock in it and died when his opponent’s lance splintered, went through his helmet, and then through his eye.  Nostradamus’ prediction had enough eerie similarity that some serious cred was born.

8.  John McCain may have taken a page from Nostradamus’ playbook.  No, Nostradamus didn’t get held as a POW for years or pick a really underqualified vice-prophet.  He did, however, have a rather wealthy second wife (I ain’t saying he a gold digger) who helped his career.

9.  His predictions may have been his way to wind down.  He and his second wife had 6 kids together!  In an attempt to get some peace and quiet he set up an isolated study upstairs where he made his predictions late at night.  I can just imagine it: Uh honey, I need to go make lots of predictions tonight.  Yeah, since it’s thousands of years into the future it may take awhile.  Oh, and they might also determine when the world ends and whatnot. Youdon’tmindputtingthesixkidstobeddoyou?kaybye.

10.  He wasn’t such a great predictor about family matters.  Nostradamus had created quite a financial empire.  He was also a major numismatist, with a coin collection that was valued at over 1 million dollars.  Unfortunately, when it came to a will, he couldn’t decide which of his 3 sons would get his fortune (he wasn’t too big into splitting assets or giving to daughters).  Since sickness was still so rampant, he simply willed his estate to the first of his sons who survived into adulthood.  Apparently, he wanted his sons to try and murder one another.

As far as the predictions go, there are a few that are rather startling, but most of them read more like horoscopes.  Some of his defenders also seem to have lived their previous lives as taffy makers with the way they stretch his prophecies.  Assuming that “hister” must mean “Hitler”?  Calling Colin Powell “the black one”?  Not so convincing.  However, Nostradamus continues to be celebrated because his bad dead self is making some people a whole lot of coin.  And that’s a little too predictable.

Pun Jabs

Last night, I had a nasty case of insomnia.  Instead of trying to count sheep, I decided to think up random India/Pakistan headlines for this blog.

Not to be outdone, India and Pakistan sign naan-proliferation pact

Sari, but the Hindu woman is already wearing that

Lonely on Top: Himalayas seek Heralayas, thin atmosphere a must

Ninety percent of pre-pubescent boys: G.I. Lentil is action curry, not daal

Indus life: I was flood bayou

Hey monsoon, dey be irie with a toke of Ganges

Skate park near Mumbai christened Olliewood

Indoor tandooring beds linked to chickens’ skin cancer/death

National dish served in miniature box after wedding in attempt to curry favor

India and diamonds go together like rupees and carats

Dosa gets the crepe kicked out of it

Baby Barbershop (w/alternate ending)

So for some strange reason, I got a bee in my bonnet that I needed to make up a barbershop song for my baby gal.  Maybe it’s because I was regretting not getting a haircut.  It’s better than the alternative to having a bee in one’s bonnet, which would have been using a tune by Sting.

Anyway, it took me a long time, (technically started Friday and ended Saturday) but here is the song that she will cite one day as exhibit A for disowning me:

That satisfied smile’s truly one-of-a-kind

Your winning grin is milling constantly in my mind

You’re a vision oh-so-thrilling Mommy needs to remind… 

Her agony will be much worse than this waiting of mine

 

Smile, smile, smile let’s play wait and see

‘Cause in awhile, while, while, you’ll be smiling at me

For now beguile-guile-guile, this your daddy-to-be  

With that smile that’s in style right up to delivery

 

When your silly visage played again I couldn’t push stop  

It’s like a sonogram monogram imprinted up top

I’m wistful in the bank and in the barbershop 

Where I’m dreaming that you’re beaming–making Mommy’s belly hop

 

Smile, smile, smile let’s play wait and see

‘Cause in awhile, while, while, you’ll be smiling at me

For now beguile-guile-guile, this your daddy-to-be  

With that smile that’s in style right up to delivery

 

Smile, smile, smile…please

Maybe your first word will be…cheese!  

Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese

 

Unfortunately, I don’t really know barbershop music all that well so the tune is very vague and will probably change dramatically/disturbingly (might even sound like Sting) with each performance.

 

P.S. –The song is based on this picture.

 

Japanese Know Cheese

Last year, a student who I tutored after school would always ask me what super power I would choose if given the opportunity.  My answer was always invisibility, but now I have a new one:  Shooting queso from my fingers!  

In the almost words of a patriotic song: I’m proud to be Japanese American where at least they know their cheese.   

That’s what she said?

Something you do not expect your cute old Japanese grandma to say:

“That rock formation looks like a man’s p!nis*”

*”!” substituted for “e” so that people who are actually searching for the term “man’s p!nis” don’t sully my blog with their eyes.