My brother and sister-in-law have christened their niece shrine as Alice’s Wonderwall. So I’m ripping off…er riffing off their idea for the soundtrack of this one. Allie’s autumn has been packed with ice cream, somersaults, and tons of twirling. She’s also made raking leaves bearable for me, which is no small feat. Maybe she really is gonna be the one that saves me.

Fortunately, I decided to get my hypertext hindquarters in gear and do some in-depth research. And by in-depth research, I mean the vigilant reconnaissance preferred by 6th graders. That’s a head nod to you Yahoo! Answers, and a finger point to you Google Images.

After standing on the shoulders of giants such as Savannahsmom and jello_lover12, I felt like Princess Jasmine on a magic carpet ride. Suddenly, there was a whole new world—I didn’t dare close my eyes.

In this world I found that the Occupy Movement isn’t new at all. In fact, it has occurred throughout history in places all around the globe.

Occupy Ockham (or Occam)

The Motive: Folks didn’t like William’s razor much and decided to react by orchestrating one of the most overly complicated occupations ever. However, their efforts ended in utter failure, thus proving William’s point and giving him the gumption to found the magazine Real Simple.

Typical Sign: “We are the 98.784543102345%”

Occupy Walden

The Motive: Henry David Thoreau decides to live on his friend’s property just a few miles outside of town. He wants to simplify, live deep, plant tons of beans, and grow an awesome neck beard. When he emerges two years later, he realizes the importance of nature, civil disobedience, and German pencil-making techniques.

Typical Sign: I am the 1% who can freeload off famous acquaintances and argue for civil disobedience after spending one night in jail. Thanks for the bail money, Auntie! Sorry other 99%.

Occupy Okinawa

The Motive: The U.S. military wants to protect Japan. Japan wants their protection to be far away.

Typical Sign (from an American GI): We’re stuck on an island with the 1%. Why is it that they seem to have 99% of the Japanese population’s body hair?

Occupy Walla Walla

The Motive: Stutterers are fed up with the name of the small town that they perceive as a slight slight. Unfortunately for them, they only request that the second Walla be dropped. In a classic political move, city officials ask them to say their preferred choice out loud.

Typical Sign: We are the 111%

Occu Pie

The Motive: Pie filling feels like it is overly controlled by oppressive crust. Crust tries to argue that it protects the filling and that the filling will be worse off if the crust doesn’t keep the same amount of dough. They reach a compromise first in the form of lattice top pie, then opening it up to  pumpkin pie and certain fruit pies.

Typical Sign: We are crustworthy.

Occupy Oak Glen

The Motive: In another fruit-related movement, pears and peaches feel like apples get 99% of the publicity. Apples point out that this is true, but they also contribute to 99% of the revenue. Core values win again.

Typical Sign: WTF ’bout dem apples? What about our peelings?

Occupy Wal-Mart

The Motive: No real motive here, just a fun game to play as you wait in a place that sometimes seems like a protest zone. Big crowds, long lines, and lots of disgruntled folk.

Typical Sign(s): 99% of these goods are made in China, 99% of checkers would go faster than mine, 1% of my purchases will last until next year

Occupy Hogwarts

The Motive: Led by Hufflepuff and supported by Ravenclaw, the wizards and witches are frustrated by a lack of attention in the Harry Potter series.

Typical Sign: 99% of the storylines are given to 1% of the characters. Quidditch JV cup—HELLO?!

Occupy Octomom

The Motive: With only one womb what are eight fetuses to do? For one thing, experience a serious identity crisis. Do you think we might be kittens? Soon the confusion leads to anger. You said there will be how many boobs when we get out? All stories will be told about this movement in a soon-to-be-released prenatal memoir.

Typical Sign: 25% of the babies get 100% of the boobs

Occupy the Airline Bathroom

The Motive: I’ve always wondered about this, but now I see that it’s a widespread conspiracy. When a person wants to use the bathroom on an airplane, they are occupied 99% of the time. When a person doesn’t need to answer nature’s call, the aisles are drink cart free, there isn’t any turbulence, and there is a 1% chance that all stalls are filled.

Typical Sign: OCCUPIED

Occupations That Didn’t Make the Cut: Occupy Oz, Occupy Gaul Street, and Occupy Octopi

If you’ve somehow managed to make it through this post then congratulations are in order. You are the 1%.

Even though it was free, I had such high hopes for the Girl Scout Cookie app. Unlike most, it sounded like something that would actually make my life better. Up to that point, the quest for these morsels of delectable divinity had begun to take on a theological flavor. Does the occasional blessing merit loyalty to an organization that seems mostly absent throughout the year? Why does this sugary serendipity only happen to some people? And finally, where are these cookies when I really need them?

Once when I went to a friend’s house, I noticed a purple box in the pantry. When I mentioned this, the friend said that I was welcome to any other snack in the house. The thing was, I totally understood. In fact, although I don’t think I was hinting towards anything at the time, I felt like apologizing. Just id-ding, I could have said.

This app promised an end to such conflicts. Soon I would know where and when noshing Nirvana could be found. This could bring order to my life. No longer would I be caught off-guard in a supermarket without adequate cash. I could pre-diet. I could have a financial savings plan. I could plan seasonal cleaning to make room in the pantry. Eat your heart out, Francisco Coronado, I had the map to El Dorado in my hand. A yellow brick road paved in Lemon Chalet Cremes.

Unfortunately, when I checked, the app would respond with a message to the effect of, “At this time, the Girl Scouts do not have any sales planned in this area. Please check again later.” Since I live in a small community, this made sense, so I tried out larger cities nearby, my parents’ city, the in-laws, etc. However, the message was the same. Suddenly the taste in my mouth was bitter, as opposed to the rich creamy sweet of a Tagalong.

Even though my dreams of a brighter future crumbled like a Trefoil, the roller coaster of my emotions allowed me to see the influence that these cookies have on the average American citizen. In fact, every person who I’ve talked to about Girl Scout cookies immediately goes into some sort of confession about a landscape of cardboard boxes, crinkly plastic trays, and caramel coconut crumbles created in hours, sometimes even minutes. This is generally accompanied by feelings of regret—the regret of not buying enough. It seems a shame that someone hasn’t been able to play on these primitive irrational impulses to manipulate the American public for political gain. Xenophobia? Homophobia? While I like fear-mongering and discrimination as much as the next guy, they don’t leave delicious crumbs on your shirt that you can eat up a few hours after the first bite.

It’s time for the green and white dragon to stir. The year 2012 isn’t just an election year. It marks the centennial of the Girl Scouts. What better way for the Girl Scouts to celebrate their genesis than to determine the next President of the United States. With the Republican primary shaping up as a hotly-contested affair, it seems like the margin of victory could be the width of a Thin Mint. An endorsement from a group with trained organizers in every state who sell 200 million boxes of cookies a year could surely be the difference maker.

Of course you may be thinking that the current occupant of the White House might already have the endorsement sewn up. After all, he recently approved a commemorative coin for the Girl Scouts and Michelle Obama has been appointed as an honorary president.  But Michelle has been promoting healthy foods while fighting against childhood obesity. These seem contrary to the caloric philosophy of the cookie army. They don’t need the FLOTUS making them feel like crack dealers when they’re only trying to move merch. Also Obama has had four years to convince his daughters to follow in the footsteps of Chelsea Clinton and sign up as troops. So far he’s had no results. Therefore, the rate of net job growth under the Obama administration is painfully similar to the amount of cookie sales in the Obama household. Stagnant. Obviously, he’s vulnerable.

Now the Girl Scouts shouldn’t take their responsibility lightly. After all, choosing the next POTUS could mean a serious upgrade in the sash and canoe departments. Therefore, they should consider the following:

Chris Christie: I wouldn’t be surprised if the Girl Scouts were the ones pushing him to run (not exercise, but compete for the presidency). Clearly, this guy has been a supporter for years. They must be rather disappointed.

Rick Perry: This guy was born to market Do-Si-Dos, but he would probably have trouble shilling Dulce de Leches. He could make up ground if he approved a mandatory vaccination for 5-14 year-old girls that had the “unintended” side effect of pin craving.

Newt Gingrich: Just by sheer numbers, this guy must have the edge in being married to/eventually marrying the most former/current Girl Scouts.

Michele Bachmann: She should have the advantage since she was a former Girl Scout. However, back in the day, she was known to make a series of flubs at sales events, referring to Samoas as “Samosas” and saying that Shout Outs were a personal favorite of John Wayne Gacy. Her crazy eyes also don’t send a positive message about the effects of overconsumption.

Rick Santorum: If the Girl Scouts wanted to focus solely on Tagalongs, then this guy would be the obvious choice.

Ron Paul: Like the media, the Girl Scouts are largely ignoring this guy. However, he has a chance based on his belief that states should decide on the deregulation of medical marijuana. Munchies-influenced sales could cause money bombs all over the country for Brownies everywhere, bringing new meaning to the term “Green Economy”.

Mitt Romney: Mormons love Samoas, or maybe Samoans love Mormonism. It’s too bad Romney isn’t like the delicious fattening Samoa. Instead, he is the Trefoil candidate. No one is gorging on him, but he’s better for you and won’t make as much of a mess.  Unfortunately, he’s not going to be able to boost sales the way someone like Christie could. If a commercial script required him to eat a cookie, they would need to get it right the first time. Two cookies in under five minutes? That’s living on the edge for Mitt.

John Huntsman: The sugar-free version of Romney.

Herman Cain: On paper, this is the perfect match. The former pizza man would have an easy transition into the cookie market. His 9-9-9 plan could easily be translated into a $9.99 souvenir special-edition Herman Cain box! Or perhaps people would have to buy nine boxes at a time, which wouldn’t be much of a stretch at all.  The question will be whether he wants to push Thin Mints, as all indications lead one to believe that he is more of an Oreo type of guy.

We’ll see where the cookie crumbles. To the left or to the right. Be prepared, America. Be prepared.

1. My students are really getting into poetry. They aren’t dropping rhymes that are Wu-Tang worthy or anything, but most seem to be having some fun with it. Here’s hoping there isn’t any Edgar Allan in any of their futures.

2. Sara got a purrty haircut today. Before she came home, I told Alice to tell her, “Mommy your hair looks pretty.” We went through it about 3 times, but the kiddo nailed it and brought a smile to her mama’s face. I’m trying to make up for all those times that I committed husband hairesy by saying nothing post clip.

3. At dinnertime, I was playing some music to go with the daddy-daughter Golden Curry feast taking place. Since we were approaching the Shabbater’s box, I played some Mike Farris. This resulted in an unusual mash-up of “Precious Lord, Take My Hand” and “Old McDonald Had a Farm” that actually worked out okay. The key was right, and the pauses worked out so that it the “ee-i-os” were sung with the song rather than over it. Brought me more than a smidgen of glee.

4. We’ve started a Friday night tradition of reading Bible stories and singing a song or two with Alice before putting her to bed. Tonight Sara and I sang four verses of “Abide with Me” to Allie’s requests of “‘gain? ‘gain?” I find it very touching that she likes this particular song in spite of her parents’ off-kilter warbles.

I wouldn’t say I was a sore loser at Twister.  I just had a craving for calamari. Okay, maybe a little venture into Kanyeland with that one.

This video captures just a sliver of the fun we had in Hawaii. Apparently I was having so much fun that I forgot to bring the video camera to most places. On the few occasions that I did remember, Alice was usually in “ready for a nap” mode.

Oh well. Alice had a great time with her Mimi, Jiji, Auntie Mandy, Uncle Kevin, Mommy, Daddy, her many Hawaii relatives, and her new friend…shave ice.

Thanks for the wonderful time, Mom and Dad! Alice now has the love of the islands flowing through her tiny veins.