Me Talk Cookie One Day

October 29, 2011

Earlier this year, I purchased an iPod Touch and downloaded my first official Apple app. This was followed by a period of app gorging in which I downloaded bushels and bushels of apps. The level, the currency converter, the bowling game with the dancing robot—you know, all the essentials. Today, I don’t use 95% of those apps. However, of all the apps that have been gathering digital dust, there is one that stands out as the Great Disappointment.

Even though it was free, I had such high hopes for the Girl Scout Cookie app. Unlike most, it sounded like something that would actually make my life better. Up to that point, the quest for these morsels of delectable divinity had begun to take on a theological flavor. Does the occasional blessing merit loyalty to an organization that seems mostly absent throughout the year? Why does this sugary serendipity only happen to some people? And finally, where are these cookies when I really need them?

Once when I went to a friend’s house, I noticed a purple box in the pantry. When I mentioned this, the friend said that I was welcome to any other snack in the house. The thing was, I totally understood. In fact, although I don’t think I was hinting towards anything at the time, I felt like apologizing. Just id-ding, I could have said.

This app promised an end to such conflicts. Soon I would know where and when noshing Nirvana could be found. This could bring order to my life. No longer would I be caught off-guard in a supermarket without adequate cash. I could pre-diet. I could have a financial savings plan. I could plan seasonal cleaning to make room in the pantry. Eat your heart out, Francisco Coronado, I had the map to El Dorado in my hand. A yellow brick road paved in Lemon Chalet Cremes.

Unfortunately, when I checked, the app would respond with a message to the effect of, “At this time, the Girl Scouts do not have any sales planned in this area. Please check again later.” Since I live in a small community, this made sense, so I tried out larger cities nearby, my parents’ city, the in-laws, etc. However, the message was the same. Suddenly the taste in my mouth was bitter, as opposed to the rich creamy sweet of a Tagalong.

Even though my dreams of a brighter future crumbled like a Trefoil, the roller coaster of my emotions allowed me to see the influence that these cookies have on the average American citizen. In fact, every person who I’ve talked to about Girl Scout cookies immediately goes into some sort of confession about a landscape of cardboard boxes, crinkly plastic trays, and caramel coconut crumbles created in hours, sometimes even minutes. This is generally accompanied by feelings of regret—the regret of not buying enough. It seems a shame that someone hasn’t been able to play on these primitive irrational impulses to manipulate the American public for political gain. Xenophobia? Homophobia? While I like fear-mongering and discrimination as much as the next guy, they don’t leave delicious crumbs on your shirt that you can eat up a few hours after the first bite.

It’s time for the green and white dragon to stir. The year 2012 isn’t just an election year. It marks the centennial of the Girl Scouts. What better way for the Girl Scouts to celebrate their genesis than to determine the next President of the United States. With the Republican primary shaping up as a hotly-contested affair, it seems like the margin of victory could be the width of a Thin Mint. An endorsement from a group with trained organizers in every state who sell 200 million boxes of cookies a year could surely be the difference maker.

Of course you may be thinking that the current occupant of the White House might already have the endorsement sewn up. After all, he recently approved a commemorative coin for the Girl Scouts and Michelle Obama has been appointed as an honorary president.  But Michelle has been promoting healthy foods while fighting against childhood obesity. These seem contrary to the caloric philosophy of the cookie army. They don’t need the FLOTUS making them feel like crack dealers when they’re only trying to move merch. Also Obama has had four years to convince his daughters to follow in the footsteps of Chelsea Clinton and sign up as troops. So far he’s had no results. Therefore, the rate of net job growth under the Obama administration is painfully similar to the amount of cookie sales in the Obama household. Stagnant. Obviously, he’s vulnerable.

Now the Girl Scouts shouldn’t take their responsibility lightly. After all, choosing the next POTUS could mean a serious upgrade in the sash and canoe departments. Therefore, they should consider the following:

Chris Christie: I wouldn’t be surprised if the Girl Scouts were the ones pushing him to run (not exercise, but compete for the presidency). Clearly, this guy has been a supporter for years. They must be rather disappointed.

Rick Perry: This guy was born to market Do-Si-Dos, but he would probably have trouble shilling Dulce de Leches. He could make up ground if he approved a mandatory vaccination for 5-14 year-old girls that had the “unintended” side effect of pin craving.

Newt Gingrich: Just by sheer numbers, this guy must have the edge in being married to/eventually marrying the most former/current Girl Scouts.

Michele Bachmann: She should have the advantage since she was a former Girl Scout. However, back in the day, she was known to make a series of flubs at sales events, referring to Samoas as “Samosas” and saying that Shout Outs were a personal favorite of John Wayne Gacy. Her crazy eyes also don’t send a positive message about the effects of overconsumption.

Rick Santorum: If the Girl Scouts wanted to focus solely on Tagalongs, then this guy would be the obvious choice.

Ron Paul: Like the media, the Girl Scouts are largely ignoring this guy. However, he has a chance based on his belief that states should decide on the deregulation of medical marijuana. Munchies-influenced sales could cause money bombs all over the country for Brownies everywhere, bringing new meaning to the term “Green Economy”.

Mitt Romney: Mormons love Samoas, or maybe Samoans love Mormonism. It’s too bad Romney isn’t like the delicious fattening Samoa. Instead, he is the Trefoil candidate. No one is gorging on him, but he’s better for you and won’t make as much of a mess.  Unfortunately, he’s not going to be able to boost sales the way someone like Christie could. If a commercial script required him to eat a cookie, they would need to get it right the first time. Two cookies in under five minutes? That’s living on the edge for Mitt.

John Huntsman: The sugar-free version of Romney.

Herman Cain: On paper, this is the perfect match. The former pizza man would have an easy transition into the cookie market. His 9-9-9 plan could easily be translated into a $9.99 souvenir special-edition Herman Cain box! Or perhaps people would have to buy nine boxes at a time, which wouldn’t be much of a stretch at all.  The question will be whether he wants to push Thin Mints, as all indications lead one to believe that he is more of an Oreo type of guy.

We’ll see where the cookie crumbles. To the left or to the right. Be prepared, America. Be prepared.

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5 Responses to “Me Talk Cookie One Day”

  1. George Says:

    This is the best political commentary I’ve seen so far in this election cycle. Ronn, you make Dave Berry look like an amateur. Seriously, you could sell this stuff. Some of it may not be PC enough, however.

  2. teachiro Says:

    Thanks, George! Mr. Barry is someone who I’ve definitely ripped off over the years, so I appreciate the comparison. And as far as the PC stuff goes, I’m more of a Mac guy anyway. Thanks for not judging me.

  3. Heather Says:

    While I can also appreciate the political commentary, do you also hate it when you finally get over much anxiety and ask someone when Girl Scout cookies will be sold–only to hear “Oh I got mine a few weeks ago, I think the sale is over”? That’s the worst! I’m telling you: if you ever see them for sale, buy all you can and then purchase a really large freezer. You never know when you’ll see them again!

  4. teachiro Says:

    That is the worst! I’m tempted to sign Allie up for the Girl Scouts just so we can get the intel on those cookies. Do you think GS parents get a discount?

  5. Heather Says:

    If by ‘discount’ you mean: take Allie to scout meetings, buy her the adorable little scout outfit, load up the trunk with several cases of cookies, take her to the grocery store to meet the other scouts that are selling to customers, bring her door-to-door to sell more cookies, load up your guest room with Samoas for when I visit, buy all the boxes she has leftover of Trefoils (the worst ones), get so full of cookies you never want to see one again, and then bring Allie back next year because now she loves being a Girl Scout! ;)


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