Occupado

November 5, 2011

Since its humble beginnings by a Canadian activist group, I’ve been fairly ignorant of the populist movement taking place across our great nation from Zuccotti Park to Oakland. Guess I’ve been a little too preoccupied lately.

Fortunately, I decided to get my hypertext hindquarters in gear and do some in-depth research. And by in-depth research, I mean the vigilant reconnaissance preferred by 6th graders. That’s a head nod to you Yahoo! Answers, and a finger point to you Google Images.

After standing on the shoulders of giants such as Savannahsmom and jello_lover12, I felt like Princess Jasmine on a magic carpet ride. Suddenly, there was a whole new world—I didn’t dare close my eyes.

In this world I found that the Occupy Movement isn’t new at all. In fact, it has occurred throughout history in places all around the globe.

Occupy Ockham (or Occam)

The Motive: Folks didn’t like William’s razor much and decided to react by orchestrating one of the most overly complicated occupations ever. However, their efforts ended in utter failure, thus proving William’s point and giving him the gumption to found the magazine Real Simple.

Typical Sign: “We are the 98.784543102345%”

Occupy Walden

The Motive: Henry David Thoreau decides to live on his friend’s property just a few miles outside of town. He wants to simplify, live deep, plant tons of beans, and grow an awesome neck beard. When he emerges two years later, he realizes the importance of nature, civil disobedience, and German pencil-making techniques.

Typical Sign: I am the 1% who can freeload off famous acquaintances and argue for civil disobedience after spending one night in jail. Thanks for the bail money, Auntie! Sorry other 99%.

Occupy Okinawa

The Motive: The U.S. military wants to protect Japan. Japan wants their protection to be far away.

Typical Sign (from an American GI): We’re stuck on an island with the 1%. Why is it that they seem to have 99% of the Japanese population’s body hair?

Occupy Walla Walla

The Motive: Stutterers are fed up with the name of the small town that they perceive as a slight slight. Unfortunately for them, they only request that the second Walla be dropped. In a classic political move, city officials ask them to say their preferred choice out loud.

Typical Sign: We are the 111%

Occu Pie

The Motive: Pie filling feels like it is overly controlled by oppressive crust. Crust tries to argue that it protects the filling and that the filling will be worse off if the crust doesn’t keep the same amount of dough. They reach a compromise first in the form of lattice top pie, then opening it up to  pumpkin pie and certain fruit pies.

Typical Sign: We are crustworthy.

Occupy Oak Glen

The Motive: In another fruit-related movement, pears and peaches feel like apples get 99% of the publicity. Apples point out that this is true, but they also contribute to 99% of the revenue. Core values win again.

Typical Sign: WTF ’bout dem apples? What about our peelings?

Occupy Wal-Mart

The Motive: No real motive here, just a fun game to play as you wait in a place that sometimes seems like a protest zone. Big crowds, long lines, and lots of disgruntled folk.

Typical Sign(s): 99% of these goods are made in China, 99% of checkers would go faster than mine, 1% of my purchases will last until next year

Occupy Hogwarts

The Motive: Led by Hufflepuff and supported by Ravenclaw, the wizards and witches are frustrated by a lack of attention in the Harry Potter series.

Typical Sign: 99% of the storylines are given to 1% of the characters. Quidditch JV cup—HELLO?!

Occupy Octomom

The Motive: With only one womb what are eight fetuses to do? For one thing, experience a serious identity crisis. Do you think we might be kittens? Soon the confusion leads to anger. You said there will be how many boobs when we get out? All stories will be told about this movement in a soon-to-be-released prenatal memoir.

Typical Sign: 25% of the babies get 100% of the boobs

Occupy the Airline Bathroom

The Motive: I’ve always wondered about this, but now I see that it’s a widespread conspiracy. When a person wants to use the bathroom on an airplane, they are occupied 99% of the time. When a person doesn’t need to answer nature’s call, the aisles are drink cart free, there isn’t any turbulence, and there is a 1% chance that all stalls are filled.

Typical Sign: OCCUPIED

Occupations That Didn’t Make the Cut: Occupy Oz, Occupy Gaul Street, and Occupy Octopi

If you’ve somehow managed to make it through this post then congratulations are in order. You are the 1%.

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