Running 13.1 Miles for a T-Shirt

August 13, 2012

There are many ways to get t-shirts, but most of them don’t involve training. Today I ran my first half-marathon. While preparing for this event, I researched various sites on how one could avoid humiliation. Since the information is easily accessible (unless you’re Amish), I won’t bore you with tips that will actually be useful. Instead, here are a few personal pointers that will probably only be helpful to the type of person who takes their motivation from victory Funyuns:

  • The day before the race, eat a diet consisting primarily of Cheez-Its
  • Drink tons of water the night before; the sound of a flushing toilet is inspiring
  • Use the event to test the devotion of your wife and the self-control of your toddler with a 5 am departure time
  • Practice good earth citizenship by inviting local wildlife to enjoy the post-race salt lick that forms on your forehead


  • Plan on going to a convention the week before where many of your friends are gathered. Because…
  • You might want to play games with them until the wee hours of the morning. Which might lead to…
  • A severe lack of sleep that causes you to skip breakfast. This will cause…
  • A nutritional deficiency that may result in canker sores developing all over your tongue, so that when you look in a mirror, you think someone has replaced your tongue with an octopus tentacle. As a result of these sores…
  • You could find eating very painful, which could cause you to lose 4.5 pounds in 4 days. Therefore…
  • Your practice run could end up being the worst showing of your entire training regimen, where you have to walk after running a paltry two miles. This could possibly cause you to…
  • Lose your confidence, and desperately try to recover your mojo by carb loading even though it hurts to talk and consume foods of any kind. While spaghetti, burritos, and waffles might hurt like heck, a small thin plane object inserted into the lower right portion of your mouth may be surprisingly pain-neutral in nature. What this means is that…
  • You will eat a diet consisting primarily of Cheez-Its
  • It also means that you shouldn’t read the book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie before blogging

Somehow it still ended up to be a great day. The weather was cool, the course was fairly flat, and the cheering spectators were inspiring. It didn’t make me feel particularly motivated to run a complete marathon anytime soon however, because one thought that didn’t cross my mind  as I reached the finish line was, You know what I really want to do right now? Run another one of these! Or maybe I will sign up for one in 2018—the weekend after the next big teachers’ convention.





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