The Mittlist

December 7, 2012

I know he’s been jobless for awhile, but I was disappointed to hear that Mitt Romney accepted a job on the board of Marriott International.  Maybe he lost too many bets with Rick Perry, but it seems like he could have held out for so much more. Here are just a few possibilities:

1. Real Life James Bond Villain: He’s got the money, he’s got the social awkwardness, he’s got a reason to be bitter with the world. If he created a super weapon to wipe out humanity, nobody would accuse him of not taking a position. All he needs is the required facial anomaly. He’s just one hunting trip with Dick Cheney away!

2. Super Commissioner: With the replacement ref debacle and bobbling of Bountygate, it seems like Roger Goodell’s days are numbered. David Stern is set to retire soon. Hockey is locked out. Bud Selig has never been popular, and could probably be terminated at a moment’s notice. Mitt has experience saving the Salt Lake City Olympics, which has way more than just four sports (albeit none that non-white people actually care about). Becoming Supreme Sports Overlord would be a win-win for Mitt. If he succeeds he becomes bigger than the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. If he screws everything up, he will ruin Barack Obama’s sports-loving life.

3. Motivational Speaker Who Lives in a Couple Cadillacs Down by the River: He could really shake up a few heiresses and politicians’ sons with tales of two-car garages and obstructed riverfront views.

4. Secretary of State: I know Hillary is a tough act to follow with her ceasefire agreement and soaring approval ratings, and it might seem insane to give such a powerful position to a rival who…

a. Thinks Russia is our biggest threat

b. Believes that the Palestinians are worse off than Israel because of cultural differences

c. Threatened to call the country that pays our bills a “currency manipulator”

d. Did all of the above

However, it seemed like such a good idea when Jimmy Smits offered it to Alan Alda on The West Wing

5. Reality Show Judge: Sure he doesn’t have the greatest set of pipes, but Mitt Romney needs some type of outlet to express an actual opinion. The debate season had to wind him up tighter than stretch pants on a Wal-Mart customer. Let that guy unleash his fury on somebody who thinks they can beatbox or samba. Let him try to say “Dawg” with those sincere eyes.

6. Phil Dunphy’s Dad: Mitt sure made a big deal about his love of Modern Family during the campaign, because he’s just a regular guy who supports the rights of gay people and immigrants…to make him laugh hysterically! Apparently, Fred Willard has been cast in this role, but ABC clearly got the wrong Willard. Willard Mitt Romney would easily explain the son that became Phil.

7. Featured Artist on a Pitbull Single: After getting trounced by Obama amongst Latino voters, Mitt needs to find a way to cross that border. Since anyone with a pulse can get featured on a Pitbull track, he would have an easy in here. It also wouldn’t take much for El Romney to blow some speakers up. How great would it be to pull up next to a car blasting the bass only to hear Mitt Romney’s voice saying, “It’s about to get krunk in heeeeere!”

8. Board Member at Econo Lodge: Making Marriott succeed is one thing, but if Mitt could turn Econo Lodge into something more than that friendly place where rats go to die? Even Rachel Maddow might have to say she made a mistake.

9. Professional Matchmaker: All he needs is a few binders full of men and he’s ready to go all shadchan on those single women that didn’t vote for him.

10. Keeping Up with the Kardashians: I don’t mean that Mitt should join the show of the Sisters K. I think he should have his own show in which he tries to compete with their show for ratings—literally trying to keep up. During the debates, I got the sense that Mitt was rather flummoxed about the freak show that was his competition. “How in the world are Perry, Cain, Gingrich, Santorum, and Bachmann all beating me?” he seemed to be asking himself. Sometimes people tend to gravitate toward the dysfunctional relationships they grow up with. For Mitt, the beatdowns he would receive at the hands of the Kardashians might feel strangely comforting.

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One Response to “The Mittlist”

  1. George Says:

    Three posts in as many days! You got your blog on, dude. Keep ’em coming.


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