9/52: Das Racist

February 22, 2014

Warning: This post contains purely unfiltered writing.

I wonder if the IBM PC operating system DOS ever got accused of being racist since it didn’t exactly respect fonts of color. That’s about as far as I got with that bit. I tried looking up DOS on Wikipedia and got bored after approximately 2.5 paragraphs.

Now I know y’all are disappointed that this isn’t a post about a ubiquitous group of operating systems from the ’80s and ’90s. I apologize for getting you all excited, but this post is actually about a memory with my daughter. So of course I want to write her words down, essentially preserving them in amber, so that one day I can extract their DNA, reanimate them, and create a racist preserve called Jurracist Park.


The other day, I was snuggling with Alice when she looked at me rather quizzically. “Daddy, why are your eyes squishy?” she inquired innocently. She then proceeded to flatten her eyes out with her fingers in the most politically incorrect of gestures. I’m pretty sure Floyd Mayweather would have told her to tone it down. Almost certain Paula Deen would have thought she crossed the line.

I was sputtering around without a response. Alice took my sputtering as a request for more evidence. She took me over to the mirror to show me. “See, your eyes are flatter than mine,” she proclaimed. It took a great deal of self-control to maintain a straight face through this, especially with my slanty eyes and all. I had to use my hands.

My son is also causing me to become a walking and talking stereotype. Since Elliot is being all adorable, he causes me to constantly tote a camera around. He distracts me with his crying in the car, so I’m kind of a terrible driver as well. The flip down shades, possibly misgendered hat, pleated shorts, and knee sock combo is my choice, however.

Here’s one final anecdote to show how bad things have gotten. Alice asked me to talk like an Asian pirate. I tried to say, “Arrrr!” but all I could muster was an “Lllll!”

One day my two kiddos are going to find out that they’re in the combination Caucasian Hut and Asian Bell. I hate to be the one to break it to them, but when I do, I’ll practice by breaking about 50 wooden boards with my bare hands to get my groove on.


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